One of the more liberating discoveries I’ve had in my life is that people probably aren't paying nearly as much attention to you as you think they are.

Psychologists Thomas Gilovich, Victoria Medvec, and Kenneth Savitsky call this the spotlight effect.  It’s our tendency to overestimate how much other people notice our appearance, behavior, mistakes, and performance.

In one famous experiment, college students were asked to enter a room wearing a T-shirt they considered embarrassing. Afterward, they dramatically overestimated how many people had noticed what was on the shirt. Later studies found similar effects involving both positive and negative experiences. We simply tend to think other people notice us more than they do.

I wish I had understood this when I was in college.

At the University of Iowa, I loved playing basketball. I spent a lot of time playing pickup games at the Field House, sometimes against some extraordinary players, including Roy Marble, B.J. Armstrong, Ed Horton, and Quinn Early. (For the record, I transferred from Iowa to ISU to earn my engineering degree from ISU, but I started my college years in Iowa City).

These weren't merely good college basketball players. They were among the best players at Iowa and would go on to play professional sports. And there I was, sharing the court with them.

At the time, Iowa had an opportunity to try out for what was known as the Gray Team.  This team was a group of walk-ons who practiced with and supported the varsity program.

I thought about trying out. And then I didn't. My reasoning seemed perfectly rational at the time: I'm probably not good enough.

But looking back, I'm not sure that was the real reason.

I think I was afraid of trying out and failing. More specifically, I was worried about what other people might think if I failed.

Who exactly were all those people?  The truth is, most of them probably weren't thinking about me at all. They were busy thinking about themselves.

That is the great irony of the spotlight effect. We walk around imagining that an audience is carefully watching our performance while everyone in that imaginary audience is walking around worried about themselves.

Would I have made the Gray Team? Maybe not. That's important, too.

Understanding the spotlight effect doesn't mean abandoning good judgment or convincing ourselves we can accomplish something simply because we want it badly enough. Reality matters. Talent matters. Preparation matters. Sometimes the realistic answer really is, "I'm not ready yet."

But there is an enormous difference between realistically assessing our ability and allowing fear of someone else's opinion to make the decision for us.

I should have tried out. Not because I deserved to make the team, but because I had earned the opportunity to find out.

How often do you make the same mistake in your life?

We don't apply for the position because someone might think we're reaching too high. We don't start the business because people may question us. We don't speak up in the meeting because our idea might be wrong. We don't write the book, take the class, give the speech, introduce ourselves, change careers, or attempt something difficult because failure would happen in public.

This question shouldn’t be, "What will people think if I fail?”  It should be "What will I think years from now if I never gave myself the chance?"

There is wisdom in knowing your limitations. There is also wisdom in occasionally testing whether those limitations are real.

The spotlight isn't nearly as bright as we imagine. Step onto the court.

Tony Thelen is the founder of The River Coaching and Consulting, LLC, an executive coaching firm based in West Okoboji. He is the author of "Am I Doing This Right?" and "Things We Desire." He works with CEOs, business owners, and executives to remove pain, anxiety, and stress while making room for true personal and professional growth. Contact Tony at tony@therivercoach.org or learn more at www.therivercoach.org.